Ferris Bueller

Alright, here's the deal. I know lots of people think they're funny bringing up Ferris Bueller to valets. Some of you even have a genuine fear of valets mistreating your car. We understand that if you've never had you car valeted, then you might be a little apprehensive giving a stranger the keys to your baby. BUT, unless you drive a 1960's Ferrari or any Ferrari for that matter, don't ever ever ever EVER say, suggest, insinuate, or accuse a valet (especially a hotel valet) of taking a car out for a joy ride. It's usually a union gig and we don't want to jeopardize our income for a few minutes of fun(?) driving your '97 Blazer in San Francisco street traffic. That shit ain't funny to us - you're not the first nimrod to come up with that joke. And if you're serious - go park across the street.

If you want your car looked after, babied, and/or kept up close, then tip. A dollar or two will get me to do what you ask if it's not busy. Three or four bucks will make me be a little more proactive. Five bucks will ensure that you get what you want, so long as the garage isn't completely stacked. Ten dollars will absolutely guarantee beyond the shadow of a doubt that you will get the parking space and treatment you want. $15 + and I will shoot anyone who looks in you car's direction. 

If you don't drive a $100,000 car, refuse to give me the keys, AND you're not tipping? I don't wanna hear shit about Ferris Bueller. I'll point out that Ferris was in a Ferrari and you drive an '89 Thunderbird with trash in the back seat and a piss stain in the passenger seat. And your CHECK ENGINE light's on.

Little bit of truth here - in my 9 years of parking cars, I've only had ONE person in a $100,000 car be rude about not wanting me to park their car. ONE. I've had people in Ferraris or the really high end Benzes and BMWs politely say that they would prefer to park the car themselves. That's fine, if I had even a $50, 000 car I wouldn't want some random dude driving my car. I wouldn't be rude about it though. (And before you even ask - from 2002 - 2004 I drove at least one $100,000 car every day working at a swanky hotel. These days though, I might drive a few in a year)

On the other hand - motherfuckers in the dirtiest, most fucked up, worthless pieces of shit will damn near fight me because they don't want me to touch their car. This happens at least once or twice a month.

This is key right here - if you're not down at all with a valet parking your car, ask the guy politely where the nearest self park lot is. I'm sure there will be one no more than a block or two away. And if you're not down with walking that far, then maybe you need to change your shitty ass outlook on life. I'm sorry, but when you bought your car it didn't come with a parking space to every last one of your destinations.