Ho, ho, HOES WHERE YOU AT? I need some booty to keep me warm. Oh, what? This thing is on?
Ahem, hello there. It's been a while, glad you stopped by to say hello.
Yeah, it's Christmas time again. You know what that means..... It's cold and I'm bored as shit at the hotel. Still angry though. Just trying to be nice to the guests, but some of these fools are making it difficult. I'm talkin' to you, nimrod who's been here the whole week. I've gotten your car a couple of times already -- so why on the day that you're checking out, do you act all surprised that I have to bring the car up for you? Is it because you don't want to tip? Doubt it, you haven't tipped all week, why would you start now? 'Sides, I don't bring up the cars for the tips (although they are greatly appreciated). No, I bring them bad boys up because of liability issues. We don't want you playing automobile pinball in the garage, dummy. Capiche? Comprende? Can you dig it sucka?
And as for you. Foolio, who runs up to me when I'm about to run and get the car for the person that's ahead of you in line and says "here's one more for you" while shoving a claim ticket in my face..... 1. I might be one of the dopest valets ever to wear the vest and bow tie, but it's physically impossible for me (or anyone else for that matter) to drive two cars at once. 2. Get in the fuckin' line. You wanna cut to the front? That's a $20 surcharge payable to my monkey ass.
Oh, and here's the moron who answers "yes" OR "no" when I ask: "are you checking out, or coming back later?" IT'S NOT A "YES OR NO" QUESTION STUPID! Yes/no, you're coming back? Yes/no, you're checking out? Also, tell your evil twin to act right too. You know, the dufus who has the following conversation with me every now and then:
"Are you coming back later, or are you checking out?"
"So, you're checking out?"
"No. We just need the car, but we'll be back later."
"Oh, okay. So, you're coming back later then."
"Oooooohhhhhhh. I get it now."
I know, I know. Some of you are thinking "maybe that fool thought that YOU thought he was returning a car". Wouldn't the fool be pulling up in his hooptie if that was the case? As the great Ed Lover would say, "C'mon son, get the fuck outta here with that no common sense havin' ass bullshit!"
At least the belligerent fucker with no claim ticket giving me the wrong name with the wrong room number hasn't come by today. Although, he was here on Tuesday. Mr. I'll Tip You Next Time hasn't been seen in a few days either. Also M.I.A. is the dude who parks next to the red car when you told him to park in front of the blue car. So not everything's bad. It's just boring, so the stupids stick out a little more this time of year.
So I'm stuck here wanting desperately to be nice to everybody because even an atheist like me gets into the Christmas spirit from time to time. But, dammit, it's fucking almost impossible at this hotel sometimes. If I could ask for one thing and one thing only as a Christmas present -- it would be for everybody (myself and co-workers included) to not be stupid for one day. Today's too late, maybe tomorrow. Please, I don't want to be an asshole on Christmas and tell you how much of an idiot you are in front of your kids because you kept driving forward and blocked the goddamned exit (yeah, I got blasphemous on Christmas -- I'm an atheist 'member?) after I told you to "leave the car right there. Why are you moving still? STOP!" If you give me that as a present, I promise not to bring up the wrong car or (for my valet buddies) I promise not to park cars all fucked up so you gotta make an 85 point turn to get a car out of a stall.
Merry Christmas to one and all,
Mary Xmas 2 1 n all (I rote that 1 in dumazz 4 u dip shitz out their)
From BigFatRick the surly valet.