Valet On The Runs

Last night at the job I had some left over curry for lunch. No, nothing happened last night. Well, nothing that involved the curry. Today, however is a different story. Fortunately for everyone who parked at the garage today, it's my day off. But all this rushing to the baffroom has reminded me of all the times I've had to go MIA for a few minutes on the job.

No, I'm not at the point where I need Depends. But working a solo shift for 8 hours can present some challenges when nature calls. And when that motherfucker calls (always at the wrong time) you better answer promptly because nobody's gonna give you a tip after blowing a shit bubble in their car.

There's been times when I've driven a car down to the garage and jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop, ran to the Crapper (did you know the man who supposedly invented the toilet was named John Crapper?) and spewed a stinky load before my ass hit the toilet seat. Or times when I'll be giving a guest directions to Golden Gate Bridge while trying to hold my guts in only to have my stomach let out an unholy gurgle - a kind of inner bowel fart.

There's times when the coast appears to be clear, so you run and do your business. Time is money, so you don't wanna spend too much time on the throne, so you only take the time you need - no reading the comics. Even if you keep it under 5 minutes, sometimes by the time you get back to the valet stand a crowd of people who need their cars has formed. Most of the time they don't trip.

But every now and then, you get a guest or even a manager (some guests will ask the entire hotel staff to look for you if they have to wait at the valet stand for more than 8 seconds) that asks too many questions. "What took you so long?"

"I had trouble parking the last car."

Of course they look at you like you're still full of shit because you don't have keys in your hand or they saw you come from the direction of the employee bathroom. If paying rent and bills didn't have me by the balls, I'd say "the truth is, sir, I had to unload the burrito I had for lunch yesterday. I'm sure you'd rather have me do my thing in the bathroom for a few minutes than to leave a heaping pile of caca-duke in your Lexus. Or the rotten stench of the ghost of lunchtime past lingering in your upholstery. Now gimme your claim ticket so I can finish wiping."

But Ricky needs to earn a living, so I just apologize for making them wait and get their car as fast as I can. Like I said, most of the time people are cool, but some people give you an attitude or a dirty look. But what can you do?

So, the next time you go to the valet stand and the valet ain't there - give him or her a couple of minutes (not seconds) before you send a search party. And if he or she comes back looking a little embarrassed, just think of how much more embarrassed they'd be and how much worse the situation would be if  they shit themselves in your car because you couldn't wait an extra 5-10 minutes.

Remember, we're here to help you out and in the mean time earn them tips. Making you wait or doing things to deliberately piss you off doesn't help our cause. So chill, we got you.

It's More Expensive Than New York!!!!

"It's more expensive than New York!"

I've been told this many times about our nightly charge. It could be true, maybe. In 1972. Or in upstate New York. Somewhere outside of Albany I bet. But Manhattan?! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

Shit, the last time I went to NYC was November of '09 (2009 - I ain't that old ya bitches!) and a public lot was just north of $35 for a couple of hours. I can only imagine what the hotel overnight charge for parking is over there. Smell me?

Look, I'm not saying $43 a night (plus tax) isn't expensive. I completely agree that it's insane. Trust me when I say that we the valets hate it even more than you do as a consumer. Why? Because we have to hear it from every other guest. "$43?!?!?!" "Are you out of your mind?!" "That's robbery!" "Why don't you just hold a gun to my head?!"

Fool, if we could hold a gun to your head..... We'd take a lot more than $43. But we ain't criminal minded. That's why we work for a living and put up with you, your attitude, your lack of common sense, your grimey ass car, your hilarious attempts to get over on paying your room and/or parking bill, and also your bald face lies about cheaper parking in New York.

Look, all I'm saying is that I have a cousin in Albuquerque (Yeah, New Mexico) who also works in a hotel. Cuzzo told me recently that THEY charge for parking. Sure it's only $10 a night, BUT IT'S FUCKING ALBUQUERQUE!!!!!!! Imagine what they charge in places where people actually want to go. Places like, I don't know, San Francisco or New York.

Go ahead. Give it a thought. Don't be shy. No, no keep in mind that SF and NYC have a ridiculous amount of population density. What? Crap, there you go getting all "spread the wealth" pseudo communist on me. No, parking doesn't HAVE to be free. Hhhhmmmm, care to take the same approach with health care? No? Didn't think so - that's why you and your type 2 diabetes having ass drives a brand new Hummer when you can't afford health insurance. Smart choice. But back to the subject at hand.

Keep in mind the population density thing AND the fact that we are in a free market capitalist economy. Makes your head hurt, doesn't it? What? No, free parking at Fisherman's Wharf and downtown died long ago.  On the street? Metered parking only. 7am to 7pm. One hour limit. A quarter gets you 5 minutes. Yeah, no the fine for not feeding the meter is $51. Sorry. But hey, there's a place around the corner that charges $30 a night, but they don't lock the gates. It's an open air lot. And I don't think they have an attendant OR a security guard.

Go ahead, I don't mind if you go see for yourself. I'm serious, that's the cheapest I've seen around here. Cool, I'll see you in 10 minutes. Hurry up though, I'm almost out of spaces.